I don’t really know what to feel to be honest. Of course I wish the feelings were mutual, but they’re not cos he has a girlfriend. Which I only found out ten minutes ago. I just thought things were going really good between us. But again, my overactive imagination took over and planted all kinds of seeds into soil that can never grow them. What is wrong with me? Do I want too much, is that why I never get? And I wanted, still want, him so fucking bad, it’s ridiculous. All I can do is imagine what it would be like to kiss him, hold his hand, run my fingers through his hair, feel his breath tickle my ear as he whispers his stupid comments into it. I don’t know whether to cry or laugh. Cry cos it’s never going to happen, or laugh cos I actually thought it could. I think I’ll just go to sleep for now.

I am terrified of dying. When I think of death, my heart squeezes and pushes up till it’s in my throat and refuses to go back down no matter how many times I swallow. When it suddenly hits me that everybody is going to die, some sooner then others. Me, my mom, my dad, my brother and sisters, my grandparents, my friends, my future husband, my kids, my grandkids. It scares me so much to think that I’ll be living while a person that I love is not. It breaks my heart to think of not existing and missing out on living with the people I love. What if I died tomorrow? Would I know I died? Would people cry? What song would my family play at my funeral? The thought of dying too soon fucking crushes me. My greatest fear, I think, is dying and not having done what I wanted to, not having lived my life. I feel like I’m wasting away. I feel like the clock is ticking. I’m sixteen. 

that sudden urge to pull his face to yours in a breathtaking kiss as you pass him in the hall. daydreaming in class about what it would be like to be able able to kiss him anytime i wanted to. imagining your first date and the your second and then your fifteenth. that rush of pure joy imagining him waiting outside class for you and walking down the hall hand-in-hand and not giving a fuck about what others think of you cos in that you are the happiest you’ve ever been.

that awkward moment when reality hits you like a ton of bricks. it was all a dream and he won’t be waiting for you, he won’t be holding your hand and he won’t be kissing you. 

you know that feeling where you desperately want him to acknowledge your existence? where all you think about is if he notices you when you walk by each other in the hall. when you end up feeling like total shit cos he didn’t even see you and you were scanning the crowd just to catch a glimpse. 

and you don’t have to remind how desperate i sound, every day that goes by is a reminder. 

that drowning feeling, like you have no way to escape. you won’t even dare think of what it would be like to be happy cos you know it’ll never happen. feeling like you’re just an insignificant speck of dirt in the grand scheme of things. this overwhelming feeling that you don’t matter. the tears that come with the realization that you are completely and utterly alone.